The Awful Chinese Language

Yes, after a long period. (ha, Americanese) of inactivity, the least uncreative thing I couldn’t contrive not to come up with isn’t a whine about the awful Chinese language. But I’m still going to write about it. Anyway, as you may know, I have been suffering (or studying) the Chinese language for some time now. And I have made a terrible discovery.
What is this terrible discovery? The learning curve… is a right angle. It’s terrible. Don’t get me started on the hideous writing system. It’s all made of these little radicals, with three or four per character. Sound easy? Let’s see… four radicals p/c, hundreds of radicals, hundreds of words that mean the SAME GODDAMN THING… dismal.
‘But it’s only difficult because you’re a westerner! It’s easy for people who speak related languages!’ Yes, and what “related languages” might those be? That’s the thing about Chinese. There are no similar languages. Unless you count Cantonese, 北京话，上海话 and all the other bloody dialects. Blech. Don’t defend it, it’s an atrocity.
Shī Shì shí shī shǐ

Shíshì shīshì Shī Shì, shì shī, shì shí shí shī.
Shì shíshí shì shì shì shī.
Shí shí, shì shí shī shì shì.
Shì shí, shì Shī Shì shì shì.
Shì shì shì shí shī, shì shǐ shì, shǐ shì shí shī shìshì.
Shì shí shì shí shī shī, shì shíshì.
Shíshì shī, Shì shǐ shì shì shíshì.
Shíshì shì, Shì shǐ shì shí shì shí shī.
Shí shí, shǐ shí shì shí shī shī, shí shí shí shī shī.
Shì shì shì shì.
石室詩士施氏，嗜獅，誓食十獅。
氏時時適市視獅。
十時，適十獅適市。
是時，適施氏適市。
氏視是十獅，恃矢勢，使是十獅逝世。
氏拾是十獅屍，適石室。
石室濕，氏使侍拭石室。
石室拭，氏始試食是十獅。
食時，始識是十獅屍，實十石獅屍。
試釋是事。
What is this? For a start, it’s boosting my word count by about 70 words. It doesn’t count characters. More importantly, it is a poem, called Shī Shì shí shī shǐ. Google it. The point is to illustrate the need for characters and how useless Pinyin (and, to a lesser degree, spoken Chinese) is. Say it. Shi shi shi shi…
Next up: having a pop at Benny the Irish “Polyglot”. Here is the nutjob‘s site. In his final video, he’s still pronouncing “hen” like “chicken”. His accent is totally screwed up. And he’s claiming that it’s easy. Which it is, if you’ve just scratched the surface, chatted a little and bragged.
Be careful for the curve.

Orlando by Numbers

Everyone knows that Orlando, Florida, is the theme park capital of the world. But did you know that Disney World is almost as big as San Francisco?

Here’s a few more things you probably didn’t know about Orlando, in an infographic brought to you by the team at Attraction Tickets Direct.

Current Accounts and Travel Money

The right current account can make a difference to how you travel, but that depends very much on both your travel and your banking style.

Added value bank accounts offer goodies from annual multi-trip travel insurance (typically for a maximum of one month per trip, returning to a home base) to worldwide cover on your mobile phone, including accidental damage, which is great if you’re the kind of person who habitually jumps into a pool with your iPhone in your shorts pocket…

Be aware, though, that using current accounts for travel spending only makes sense for most British citizens if you’re travelling to destinations that use the pound, or related currencies that are tied to the pound. Headed out to see the penguins of South Georgia? Use your current account.

In Gibraltar, although the currency is technically the Gibraltar pound, most ATMs dish out pounds sterling, which can be spent in most places, and using the debit card on your current account to spend in pounds makes absolute sense.

There are no ATMs on the Falklands and Saint Helena, but since the Saint Helena pound and Falkland Islands pound are tied to the British pound, here too it can make sense to use your standard debit card at places such as hotels and restaurants.

Outside these fairly rarefied confines, you will typically be better off with a travel credit card or prepaid travel card that’s linked to your current account, as foreign exchange charges and overseas cash withdrawal fees can make a real hole in your nest egg.

So when does it make sense to switch bank accounts to get the best deal?

If you’re planning on being a digital nomad, you might want to consider a location independent bank account.

Otherwise, the right deal for you will vary according to your banking behaviour.

If you’re a paragon who’s always in credit, then focus on getting the best interest on your positive balance: compare what you’d earn from interest payments over a year to what it would cost you to buy the value-added extras over a year.

If you’re likely to be overdrawn, look at the best value overdrafts (and consider consolidating that overdraft into a lower-interest loan).

And, of course, if your credit rating’s ropy, you’ll want to look at a basic bank account: the Lloyds TSB visa debit card can be used overseas for purchases, although not for cash withdrawals.

And if, like many of us, you fall into the “none of the above” category, then look at value-added extras, establish which of them you’ll use, use a price comparison site to see what they’d cost you when bought in cash and then decide if they’re worth your while.

Bear in mind that travel insurance offers, in particular, are subject to approval: so if you’re finding it hard to get cover because of a pre-existing health condition, you may well not benefit from the free travel insurance.

For most of us, in fact, the best current account for travel will be the one that helps you make the most of your savings, that’s to say the ones with low or no fees and a reasonable rate of interest.

Unusual Activities for Kids in Brighton

If you’re looking for something a little bit different on your holiday, the seaside city of Brighton is full of excellent and unusual things for kids to experience – for example how would you like to stay in a helicopter instead of a hotel? Or see a room full of skeletons? Enjoying cheap family holidays in Brighton is easy when you know where to go, so here are a few suggestions.

Where to Stay:
The Blackberry Wood campsite a few miles out of town has a converted Royal Navy search and rescue helicopter you can hire called ‘The Holicopter’ which is probably the coolest caravan you’ll ever sleep in – they also have a gypsy caravan, a curvy cabin and a red London double-decker bus with a soft-play area.

If you’re staying in the city you have loads of choices, but whether you’re in a themed guest house or a vegetarian bed and breakfast or the Grand Hotel, you will be spoilt for choice when you are going out.

Things to Do:
The first place to explore is the seafront and the area around Brighton Pier. You could take a ride on the oldest operating electric railway in the world, the Volks electric railway which is open in the summer and goes between the pier and the marina. You could hire a kayak from Brighton water sports, paddle out and see Brighton Beach from a different angle and maybe check out the skeleton of the West Pier. There’s also the Fishing Museum which is free and open every day, where you will wonder how they squeezed the 27-foot fishing boat into the room!

If it’s raining there is plenty of weatherproof fun, on a Sunday morning the Kids Club at the Dukes@Komedia cinema show a great kids movie and they have games and activities beforehand. You can get an amazing view of the whole city by going up in a pod on the Brighton Wheel, right next to the Sea Life Centre (the world’s oldest operating aquarium) which has an underwater glass tunnel so you can see the sharks and sea turtles from below.

If you like weird stuff the Booth Museum Of Natural History is free entry and displays over half a million exhibits of stuffed birds, moths and insects, a room full of skeletons and the famous stuffed mermaid…

Seasonal Events:
The Children’s Parade is a carnival that kick-starts the Brighton Festival, happening on the first Saturday in May every year. Around five thousand children from the primary schools in the area spend four months preparing their crazy costumes then show them off, dancing through town accompanied by drummers and stilt walkers and marching bands.

If you are there just before Christmas you will have the chance to witness the Burning the Clocks event. On the shortest day of the year (the winter solstice) hundreds of children and adults make paper lanterns which they carry in a huge evening procession down to the beach, ending with a spectacular bonfire and fireworks show.

Picture credit: Antony Mayfield.

Gobsmacking Sights in the People’s Republic

Speaking as someone who upped sticks and left London for China on two weeks’ notice, I’m constantly impressed by my adopted country’s disregard for doing things by halves. You hear a lot about the break-neck speed of modernisation in the PRC but nothing had prepared me for witnessing it first-hand.

I’m essentially living in an urban version of a nature documentary: one of those where the camera has been sped up to show the progress of acorn to oak tree. I can see and feel the changing landscape on my daily walks to and from work; shiny high-rises and luxury hotels springing from the ground like saplings in granite and chrome.

Meanwhile, metres away, a man selling turtles on long strings saunters by the neighbouring Buddhist monastery, swinging his wares and calling out the Chinese equivalent of ‘turtles, five for a pound, turtles.’ And this is just one small part of one city.

Each of China’s 23 provinces has its own distinct dialect, culture and cuisine. In every one of them, similar scenes of an ancient culture rubbing shoulders with the new, futuristic vision, are being played out.

This makes China an endlessly exciting place to be, no matter what your age or interests. So when a friend contacted me for inside info on child friendly tours around China, it was a stretch to narrow down the options. The following are my personal top five suggestions, ranging from the urban to the remote; the kitsch to the classy; the freezing to the temperate. Enjoy!

1. The Reed Flute Caves at Guilin, whose stalactites and stalagmites form breathtaking cityscapes, bizarre creatures and even a surprisingly realistic Father Chrismas. All illuminated and set against a background of stunning underground lakes. Active kids will also enjoy kayaking and bamboo rafting on Guilin’s Li river, and exploring the rice paddies of nearby Yangshuo on a bicycle.

2. The ice festival at Harbin, Heilongjiang Province, is a must. Every year artists in the north-eastern province use ice, snow and coloured lights to fashion awe-inspiring sculptures, many of which are interactive (giant ice-slide, anyone?). Time your trip to coincide with Spring Festival in February, and round it off by celebrating with the locals, setting off fireworks in the streets.

3. Hardy and adventurous kids will love horseback trekking around the border with Tibet. Beginning from Songpan, treks can last from a day to a week. Experience a taste of nomadic life, leaving behind the jostling city crowds for fresh air and virgin forests, taking in sights such as the Ice Mountain and Munigou Park and sleeping in tents along the way.

4. For the exact opposite of the above, head to Disneyland, Hong Kong. Situated on Lantau Island it’s hard to miss – simply take the Disneyland Resort Metro Line to Disneyland Resort Station.

5. Pandas. There’s little not to like about these super-cute, super-placid bears and the Panda Breeding Centre, Chengdu, allows you to get up close and personal with them. They will even arrange for you to hold them for a fee. For an extra hit of cuteness arrive early and meet the pure-white newborns.

Lucy McCormick lives in Chengdu, Sichuan province. When not writing or teaching, she spends her time climbing mountains, sipping bai cha in backstreet tea houses and dodging traffic – with limited success – on her bicycle.

Arse on the Ice: my Adventures at the Ice Sculptures

<wit></wit> I have spent most of my time outdoors, as the title suggests, with my arse on the ice. Today, I will be chronicling my great adventure at the ice sculptures, and the arse-plants involved. Our story starts when we have crossed the river, because the bit before that was just me whining about how my tears were freezing and how I needed ski goggles.

So, it starts with me slipping on the ice. My arse was unharmed, but my knee suffered grievous damage and I lay there hissing for about two minutes. IMPORTANT: I did not cry. My tears were frozen. Just clearing that up. Anyway, we set off for the ice festival with me grumbling about my leg, mum rejecting offers of rides and some dude in a car offering to give us a ride to the park.

Then… let’s just skip to the ice sculptures. What do we do when we get in? No, not gawp. Well, we gawp a little. Then we set off to have a cup of coffee for mum and heavily diluted, powdered milk for me. Oh, and guess what? THEY HAVE GIANT SLIDES SHAPED LIKE SWANS. MADE OF ICE. Yeah. Drink it in… I’ll shut up about the slides.

Just kidding! It is really scary, both in going up and shooting down, because… well, it’s ice. So, it’s slippery. So, when going up the stairs you’re in danger of slipping, and going down you go so fast that when you hit the snowdrift that serves as a buffer, snow goes up your sleeve. Anyway, on to something interesting.

Ninjas are interesting, but I don’t have any ninjas. Hm. Oh, I know! Next, I piss around on the smaller slides. I go on most of ‘em. There are loads of them. Made of bumpy, solid ice bricks, all of ‘em. Fun to slide down. Oh, and there was one really big one that truly shone. It had tons of people queuing for it and it was a bit tedious at first, but then I got the hang of it.

However, nobody really got my method of “waiting until the last person goes down, then shooting down at light speed”, so… pileups ensue. Boom, I shoot down because people are starting to cut in front. Boom, I collide (though not painfully; I slowed down some) and boom, the people behind collide. A pileup ensues, during which I switch to the second slide-bit.

And… well, that’s about it. There were some awesome ice sculptures, like a giant beer bottle made of ice (Communist my arse) promoting Harbin Beer. And ice castles. Disney style. But those are mum’s domain.

Bai!

Happy New Year!

It’s new year! Chinese New Year, you dufus! I wouldn’t roll out a new year’s post this late. But hey, it’s not too late for me to blog about the firework display. Even though fireworks are an awful, awful subject to write about. Anyway, it starts off with me in bed. I’m not asleep, just enjoyin’ mah mancave. Wishing the bloody fireworks would pipe down.

They don’t. Instead, mum pipes up and starts yelling at me to come and look at the fireworks. Because she can see them from the balcony. So I rush out –did I mention that I’m in my undies and a t-shirt at this point?– and look. Predictably, there’s condensation on the windows and I can’t see much, but I get a glimpse.

Next, I go back to my f*cking room to (hopefully) get some f*cking peace and quiet. No such luck. I am soon called to mum’s room, where, for whatever reason, the windows are fine and I can see the fireworks. They’re pretty, mainly the classic colours of red, green and yellow but with some white and blue in there too.

Then I go back to my room and observe the fireworks from there. Good god, this was an awful topic for mum to give me. I wonder if she’s written one on the subject…

How I Crashed a Tank

Yes, I’m already rolling out a new post. Yes, it was just a near-seizure. You can guess the driving factors behind this post. So, without further fuc mucking about, let’s begin. A few days ago, mum and I went to the Harbin ice festival. It’s on the river (which is, obviously, frozen at this time of year) and is generally fun. To begin with, we did… well, zilch. Then we went off and had lunch.

Ahh, lunch. Mmm. Part one: Operation Lunch. First stop: rbt. This is some random and expensive cafe nobody’s ever heard of. It has cool benches, which are swings, but… the food is overpriced and unremarkable. Next: the Parkson mall’s food court. It’s exactly what it sounds like, really. But it’s cheap, the food is tasty, and it’s close by. So ends part one. And yes, I did use an entire paragraph. UMAD?

Part two: the Slide of Epic Lulz. We are back by the river, and mum is preparing to fork over 2£ for a single trip down an epic (it is revealed) slide. She forks it over. She hands over the ticket. The PLA dude (they have a big army) rips the ticket and hands it back. I go up the stairs. Incidentally, the stairs are made of ice. The entire slide is! They don’t call it the Ice Festival for nothing!

And then I’m at the top. And scared. Because I’ll be going down a large (and steep) ramp of ice in a rubber tube. I watch the first batch go down, then quickly grab a spot which looks gentle-ish. To give you a bit of perspective, at the time of writing I weighed around 32 kilograms. So, as I witnessed them shooting down, you can imagine what I felt like.

Actually, it was really fun. I shot down at breakneck speeds, only slightly worried as to whether I might flip over and break my nose. Then I had to lug it back up a ramp. A ramp made of ICE, no less. It had footholds, but it was still really hard. Especially when I slipped, fell over and dropped my tube, which went down the ramp until it collided with someone, nearly knocking them over.

Part three: the Mighty Tank! Yes, we finally get to the tank! You see, when we scouted out the place (before lunch), we (or rather I) spotted some form of tank over by one of the slides. And, after I finally got my frigging tube up, I headed over there with mum. We are unpleasantly surprised, as all the tanks are covered in tarp.

Thankfully, they’re not closed. The guy starts one up. I get in. Chug chug chug… aaaand I’ve crashed the tank into the side of the course (also made of ice). Blam. I’m stuck. I get out and pathetically try to push the thing off the wall. I fail miserably. But I’ve learned my lesson: tanks are really hard to drive.

BTW, how do you like the cursor?

The Great Apartment Hunt

We have WiFi now! That’s right, WiFi in our apartment. To “celebrate”, I’m writing this post (nah, I celebrated with a full day of nothing) to chronicle our great hunt. First stop: Bomele 1931. That’s the coffee shop, BTW. Next: the office! Mr Ye’s office, to be precise. Mr Ye is the broker who’s broking us. That is what a broker does, right?

Whatever. I have a near-heart attack when I see the stairwell. It’s dark, smelly and, well, undesirable. Then I see the office and have a near-seizure. Then mum says “But… but someone’s living here, no?” and he replies “Yeah, this is the office.”. I narrowly avoid my seizure and wait for him to get the keys. The keys are got. We set off for the apartment.

And we get to the stairwell. Heart attack number two inbound. It’s exactly the same, but our flat is higher up. Up the stairs we trudge. We, who have done the EBC trek, so suddenly defeated by two laptops, a crappy tote bag and six smelly flights of stairs. We get to the apartment. And… no seizure! It’s rather nice. Not as nice as the one in Kunming, but… nice.

We decide to look at another flat. After half an hour — yes, thirty bloody minutes — of waiting, we give up on that one. Then we find another place with Mr. Ye. That one fails, too. I, desperately, try to and (to some degree) succeed in liking it. Mum doesn’t, and vetoes it. So we spend the night in an eighty yuan train station hotel with rats under my bed.

Well, noises under my bed. The bed is made from plywood boards rather than poles and is thus easier to sleep in than a bed with rats under it that you could see by sticking your head down. Morning comes, and I eagerly get the hell out of bed, get dressed and go to Bomele. Then we find one that we like. In case you were wondering, we couldn’t stay in the other one.

Why? Because they’d worked out that we were only staying for four months and that if we signed the one-year rental, we’d just bugger off and lose the deposit. Then I get another near-seizure. From happiness! Because we can stay there tonight, instead of having to stay at the fleapit! Oh joy of joys! And that, my friends, is how we got our apartment.

Next up: I Crash a Tank!

Into Harbin we Charge

Oh into Harbin we come a-chargin’
…no, I’m not any good at rhymes. We’re in Harbin! But it took great sacrifices to get here. We took several long train rides. We slept on all of them but none had beds! We spent about 39 hours on those trains. Not consecutively. That would be savage. But it makes for darn good reading, so I’ll write about it anywho.
Our great odyssey begins in Shenzhen, where I find out that there are no beds left on any of the trains. Alarms start ringing inside my head. How… why… OH GOD, WHY!? We board the train. I whinge, as is customary, my class vanishing with my good mood. I sit on the big navy backpack. After a while, we manage to accommodate all of our bags- at least the ones that need accommodating.
I unhappily take out the Kobo. It’s gonna be a long ride. The people selling food and drink push their trolleys back and forth. After a while, mum’s laptop dies. I take out my laptop and give her the Kobo. It’s probable that if I say “now would be a great time to read the Alan Carr book!” she will hit me, so I say nothing.
Then the train stops. It’s the next day. We are both bored. We get our bags out and check in to the nearest hotel. It has WiFi. I plug in my computer. After about 10 minutes of charge, I stab the on button with the ferocity of a drowning man clutching to a leaf. And I blanch. There’s no WiFi. WiFi up to the third floor only, say the staff. No, I think. NO!
There’s Ethernet, though. It doesn’t work on my computer, but I get to use mum’s. I play with Stevie for a while and don’t get a wink of sleep. This is a very good idea, as it means I can sleep through lots of the train ride.

Hum. I appear to have detailed everything that happened for any of the trains, all in one train ride. Well, I shall be doing another post on the subject of our great apartment hunt. Until then? Just go to mum’s site. She’ll have rolled out 6000 words on the subject, no doubt.